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1 month ago, I put an end to a 2-year-long relationship. That guy, whom I once thought I can spend the whole life with, now, I can hardly recognize his voice or remember his face. I never feel so peaceful, the only thing upsets me a little bit is that there is one more stranger in this lonely city.
27 days ago, I received a phone call from my boss, informing me I was promoted. He said: you need a short holiday, you do not look good. I said thank you and hung up. Some people loose their jobs, some commit suicide, some become homeless, nothing cheers me up.
23 days ago, as I noticed a subtle change in my mind, I got a bottle of purple pills from a doctor. Hardly to tell it is fortunate or not that the sense of happiness and satisfaction can be made just by several tiny magic pills. I dropped the bottle into my bag carelessly, though I knew, from then on, I could not live without them.
19 days ago, I picked up a homeless cat in a nasty street corner. She was black, and with a pair of sorrow eyes. Once I saw her, she started following me as if my shadow. I gave her my name. She was so quiet; she turned out to be a certified companion.
17 days ago, I moved into a 24-storey apartment with my cat. I live on the top floor. From the wide window, the view of the whole city can be gotten. I set my bed on the sill in balcony, I would like to see and feel sunshine the moment I open my eyes and I could put my face close to the icy glass when heavy rain comes. I was quite inspired and satisfied with my idea.
15 days ago, I received a call from my ex-boyfriend. He cursed and abused me; he shouted at me that I was a cold-blood animal and a lunatic. I smiled and replied noting. I never defend for myself. I am not insane, just get lost. After that I called my boss and quitted my job. I need a new life, rather than a vacation.
14 days ago, I cleaned my apartment, fed my cat, washed my curtain, and cooked myself the first meal since I moved in.
Then, I started to spend whole nights on the balcony, watching the charming view of the city. Night grasped every inch of the city silently. Cars, bikes, people, like running water, come and go. Everyone seems quite conformed about his or her terminus. In this stone forest, people pass by each other, they meet, they get to know, they fall in love, and they worry about marriage, about jobs, about kids, about themselves; neonates are born, the old are dying. Unemployment, suicide, crime, arson, injection of drugs happens every moment, in this helpless and cold city. Nothing new.
There is a girl living in the 19th floor in front of my apartment, she prefers to kill time on the balcony just as I do. She always wears a dark red velvet gown; it is the most evil color I have ever seen, like blood or wizen rose. Her algae like hair droops over her waist. Most time, she is reading a novel with a white china cup in left hand. Sometimes, she picks up her head and watches the busy street or the city night aimlessly, just as I do. Taking some pills, sitting on the sill, watching her and the city whole night have been my everyday affairs. Once in a while, I see mysterious lights shining around her, slightly. I never see her face clearly; however, I never get curious, she seems like an image which has been long pressed in my brain, maybe the day I was born. Occasionally, my cat interrupts my thoughts, I bend down and pick her up, kiss her. I never talk to my cat; I know she is as lonely as me, words are unnecessary as we understand each other. I cook for her, we play together, and keep company with each other; we get warm and connection from each other.
5 hours ago, I went out. I clearly remember it is the third time I went out since I moved in this flat. I went to a tiny bar, sat in a corner, watched people drinking, chatting and flirting, a romantic story may happen somewhere now, definitely has nothing to do with me. The air in the bar was combined with alcohol, perfume, cigarette, cosmetics and lust which made me sick, I head to the washroom, washed my face with cold water; the running water punched and waked me. I picked up me head from the basin, a pale and sick and detestable face in the mirror surprised me, seven seconds later, I realized it was mine. I smiled to myself without any consciousness, I felt dizzy. I returned to my seat in the corner, poured a glass of beer into my stomach, getting a little bit comfortable. At that moment, a girl came to me, sitting beside, putting her hand on my lap, moved her face close to mine, she did not paint lipstick, her lip looked like lush leaves, smelled like blood; her turkey blue eyeshadow was flashing. She was at most 19. Suddenly, the light, music, smell and people around seemed like a nightmare, in which everything was unreal, insane and absurd, I could not stop quiver. Everything, everything outside of my body became sharp blade, which was piercing and stabbing me. I could no longer bear the great pain from inside of my body. “Get away.” I shouted to her. I clutched my coat and rushed out of the bar. I walked to the subway station, dizzying all the way, I had searched my entire bag time after time like a madman, still could not find those purple pills which could kill me. I stood in the middle of the hall in the station; the image in front of my eyes seemed like what I had seen several times in old movies. Suddenly, all the passengers became of the same, loathsome face, they gradually disappeared and the whole station seemed empty, like an abandoned platform or a huge hole. Cold wind penetrated me painfully. I lost my direction that moment, I was scared. I could hide nowhere. I stood there stiffly; I could not move my arms or legs a little bit. I did not remember how I got out of the station, the next fraction of memory came to me was that I felt a strong desire to visit the girl who lives in the apartment in front of mine, whom I used to watch and think about every night. I bought a bunch of white lilies from a skinny boy on the sideway. I knocked at her door three, four, or more than ten times, on one answered. The moment I decided to go, the door next to hers opened, a devil like face with thick powder appeared. “You know the girl?” She asked coldly. “A sort of.” I replied. “She died three months ago, jumped from the balcony…” A strong dizziness stroked me. Suddenly, I lost all my sense; I could hardly hold my body. I struggled back to my apartment, leant on the balcony, I could clearly see the girl, she was smiling at me this time, I saw her face clearly, was it real or just my fantasy?!
I moved to the edge of handrail, bent down my body out of the balcony, my hair was floating in the strong wind. I stood on the tips of my toes, I moved slightly, and my entire body was turned over out of the handrail. I was falling fast from the 24th floor building, my red dress seems like a stroke of blood, splashes on the screen of endless darkness. There is a huge kaleidoscope in front of my eye, through which I see my childhood, my past, my parents, my friends, the house I lived, places I have been, flowers I have smelled, some episodes of my life, the first time I had menses, the kiss I gave, the first ice-cream I ate, the feeling when I hold my father’s hand, when I lost my way in a stranger city, when I cut my wrist intentionally, and also the girl I have seen every night on the 19th floor… all of these, all these memories come to me, surround me and swallowed me. I feel like a butterfly with broken wings, struggling in the thunderstorm. I can hear the roaring wind, my every heartbeat and breath, I can clearly feel them leaving my body, I watch it grin. Everything, everything is ended up in a sudden. Darkness devours my soul. |
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发表于 2008-12-9 09:09:45
发表于 2008-12-10 16:30:26
